Wisdom is with the aged, and understanding in length of days.

Job 12:12

When we first arrived in Greeneville a person much older than myself complained in a rather exasperated tone,

“they don’t want to listen to elders!”

He was speaking about our community. I didn’t reply, but I remember thinking,

“Well…Neither did we.”

Recently, a millennial friend explained an argument he’d heard used to refute Job 12:12. Job was younger than Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. In the end, it was Job who brought correction to his four older friends. Hence, wisdom is with the youth, and understanding is with the smartest.

Another argument is Paul told Timothy

Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity. 1 Tim 4:12

The argument from Job violates the Law of Noncontradiction. Scripture does not contradict Scripture. Job also had a relationship with the Lord. His friends did not. The second argument from Timothy is a false dichotomy. The context of 1 Timothy 4 is a quintessential model of discipleship modeled between Paul the Elder and Timothy his disciple. Paul exhorts Timothy to be a faithful servant and not to depart from what he taught him. He exhorts Timothy to lead by example.

…Keep a close watch on yourself and on the teaching. Persist in this, for by so doing you will save both yourself and your hearers.

1 Tim 4:16

The false dichotomy is the belief that because Timothy was young he was wiser than his elders. Timothy had the ability and authority to transmit knowledge he had received from Paul. Still, wisdom and knowledge are not the same. Knowledge can be taught. Wisdom can be heeded, but understanding only comes through experience.

I was about ten when I took my grandfather’s steel fly rod to go trout fishing in the stream that ran through the cow pasture. “I wouldn’t go running around with that steel rod out in front of you,” he commented as I passed. “Don’t worry, Grandpa!” I’d been fishing alone for at least two years. I knew what I was doing. Later at lunch, my grandmother commented that she’d been worried when she heard my blood-curdling scream from half a mile away. “What happened?” She asked. I sheepishly explained my encounter with an electric fence.

My grandfather quietly chuckled.

For years I wondered why my grandfather said so little. It is one of the inspirations for starting this blog. The older I get, the more I equate my grandfather’s silence with the Hawaiian Pidgeon English adage, 

“Bum bye you learn…”

So often – maybe too often, we watch and listen and ask ourselves, “Should we tell them it’s not going to end well?” My generation heard, “I told you so”. Today we are usually limited to saying, “I could have told you so”.

The wisdom of the prudent is to discern his way, but the folly of fools is deceiving.

Prov 14:8

Occasionally someone heeds our unsolicited “been there, done that” recommendations. Most listen politely or scroll on their phone then ignore everything we’ve said. Sometimes I’m tempted to take offense.

Then I remember the electric fence. 

That Wisdom is with the aged, and understanding in length of days is because wisdom is, in part, an aspect of character. Character is a fruit of experience. Sometimes that experience necessarily involves a proverbial electric fence.

Rom 5:3-5

Character is dokimḗ trustiness:–experience, proof, trial, approved, tried character, a proof, a specimen of tried worth.

Marriage

So why the long introduction Brian? And what does wisdom have to do with marriage?

Alas, For in much wisdom is much vexation, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow. Ecc 1:8

Honestly, I began this post in the context of wisdom amidst emerging crises. Then the Lord reiterated what he showed us when we first arrived in East Tennessee. Marriage is the foundation of the church and as well as any community. Marriages have been under attack for years. If the enemy can destroy marriages he can destroy families. Destroy families, and he can destroy communities and, eventually nations. The church has tried to reignite family values for decades. We think we need to start with Godly marriage values.

Some know that Cathy and I function as marriage counselors at our church. We are not licensed so maybe “marriage mentors” is a better term. Some of the couples with whom we work are just a few years older than our grandchildren. Most of what we have to offer is wisdom and understanding gleaned from the length of our days on earth and our electric fence encounters. Part of our understanding is rooted in having failed miserably at marriage before Christ. We know how to fail. Just short of twenty years in a very healthy and thriving marriage in Christ, affords us some wisdom and understanding regarding how to succeed. Please don’t misunderstand. We are not super Christians who have achieved some illusory spiritual level to which so many seem to aspire. Our marriage is rock solid because we follow some very basic and foundational biblical principles. Couples who are willing to do the same experience the same benefits. Most of the time, we feel like we are just along for the ride and are blessed just to see God’s miraculous response to obedience. It doesn’t matter how grievous the offense committed by one or both spouses. God heals, reconciles, and transforms marriages according to a couple’s obedience. Unfortunately, not everyone is willing to obey God. This eventually results in divorce. It takes three to create a marriage, Mat 19:5-6 two to destroy one, and three to heal one. Unfortunately, when one or both parties refuse to accept personal responsibility and continue to blame the other, the situation only gets worse. Sometimes they blame the marriage counselors for failing to fix it. Let me be clear. We don’t fix anything.

God alone is the fixer.

Another potential misunderstanding is that if the marriage begins to heal, everything is healed by extension. There may be individual issues like trauma, chemical and porn addiction, etc., that need to be addressed first.

That being said, here are seven nonnegotiable must-dos for a healthy, happy, thriving marriage.

• 1. Your marriage is ultimately not about you. Deny self. Mat 16:24 This is the first requirement if we are to be Jesus’s disciples. This is also required to be a spouse. Both must deny themselves. If only one spouse obeys this command, it results in some form of abuse. “Deny yourself” in marriage means your spouse is your priority after God. Many people have other priorities like careers, hobbies, ministry, and even children. Some simply endure marriage in a sort of white-knuckle obedience to God. When marriage is the priority for both spouses it is a joy.  Everything pleasing to God, from parenting to ministry, flows from it.

• 2. The proper alignment in marriage is God, Husband, Wife, Children, Job, and Ministry. Sometimes, a job and Ministry are the same. If the alignment is off, the marriage will be off and everything else will follow.

• 3. Your marriage is about Christ and His Church. Eph 5:22-33 Wives submit to their husbands. Husbands give themselves up for their wives. Viewed from the outside, it can be likened to a waltz so artfully performed that it is impossible to know who is leading who. What God imparts in the process of growing together as one flesh is a mystery that must be experienced, not taught. Only then will understanding come. Hence, wisdom is with age and understanding in the length of days.

• 4. The woman is the weaker vessel. 1 Pet 3:7 Weaker does not mean inferior. Think of the husband as a cast iron frying pan and the wife as fine China. Hence, Paul instructs husbands to honor their wives as the weaker vessels. As I tell all the husbands, “As a husband, you take the hits.” The principle applies if a prowler comes through the door trying to attack your wife. Or your wife angrily confronts you about problems in your marriage. In either case, if saving your skin, your pride, and self-esteem or just the need to be right is your first priority, you will eventually forfeit your marriage. Giving yourself up includes but is not limited to trading your significance, pride, self-esteem, and your right to be right for your wife. If you lead this way, a Godly wife will gladly submit and the Waltz will ensue. Given that wives must choose to submit, it begs the question of who submits the most.

• 5. The temptation to be offended will come. See that you are not offended. Luke 17 Offence is skándalon a trap. We can only be offended if we have first given ourselves permission to be offended. Remove all permission to be offended.

• 6. Forgiveness is never an option. It is a command. Forgive or you won’t be forgiven by God. Mat 6:15 Do it before the sun goes down, Eph 4:26-27 or you may awaken offended. Unresolved offenses will always grow and eventually end in divorce. Unless, of course, you white knuckle it.

• 7.Finally, your body is not yours. 1 Cor 7:1-5

If both parties agree that these principles are nonnegotiable, then success is virtually guaranteed. If both agree to work toward them, there is hope.

All others will encounter the electric fence. Prov 1:20-33

Maranatha