Brian and Cathy Gray Red Pill Diaries

Wisdom, Marriage, and The Electric Fence

Wisdom is with the aged, and understanding in length of days.

Job 12:12

When we first arrived in Greeneville a person much older than myself complained in a rather exasperated tone,

“they don’t want to listen to elders!”

He was speaking about our community. I didn’t reply, but I remember thinking,

“Well…Neither did we.”

Recently, a millennial friend explained an argument he’d heard used to refute Job 12:12. Job was younger than Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. In the end, it was Job who brought correction to his four older friends. Hence, wisdom is with the youth, and understanding is with the smartest.

Another argument is Paul told Timothy

Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity. 1 Tim 4:12

The argument from Job violates the Law of Noncontradiction. Scripture does not contradict Scripture. Job also had a relationship with the Lord. His friends did not. The second argument from Timothy is a false dichotomy. The context of 1 Timothy 4 is a quintessential model of discipleship modeled between Paul the Elder and Timothy his disciple. Paul exhorts Timothy to be a faithful servant and not to depart from what he taught him. He exhorts Timothy to lead by example.

…Keep a close watch on yourself and on the teaching. Persist in this, for by so doing you will save both yourself and your hearers.

1 Tim 4:16

The false dichotomy is the belief that because Timothy was young he was wiser than his elders. Timothy had the ability and authority to transmit knowledge he had received from Paul. Still, wisdom and knowledge are not the same. Knowledge can be taught. Wisdom can be heeded, but understanding only comes through experience.

I was about ten when I took my grandfather’s steel fly rod to go trout fishing in the stream that ran through the cow pasture. “I wouldn’t go running around with that steel rod out in front of you,” he commented as I passed. “Don’t worry, Grandpa!” I’d been fishing alone for at least two years. I knew what I was doing. Later at lunch, my grandmother commented that she’d been worried when she heard my blood-curdling scream from half a mile away. “What happened?” She asked. I sheepishly explained my encounter with an electric fence.

My grandfather quietly chuckled.

For years I wondered why my grandfather said so little. It is one of the inspirations for starting this blog. The older I get, the more I equate my grandfather’s silence with the Hawaiian Pidgeon English adage, 

“Bum bye you learn…”

So often – maybe too often, we watch and listen and ask ourselves, “Should we tell them it’s not going to end well?” My generation heard, “I told you so”. Today we are usually limited to saying, “I could have told you so”.

The wisdom of the prudent is to discern his way, but the folly of fools is deceiving.

Prov 14:8

Occasionally someone heeds our unsolicited “been there, done that” recommendations. Most listen politely or scroll on their phone then ignore everything we’ve said. Sometimes I’m tempted to take offense.

Then I remember the electric fence. 

That Wisdom is with the aged, and understanding in length of days is because wisdom is, in part, an aspect of character. Character is a fruit of experience. Sometimes that experience necessarily involves a proverbial electric fence.

Rom 5:3-5

Character is dokimḗ trustiness:–experience, proof, trial, approved, tried character, a proof, a specimen of tried worth.

Marriage

So why the long introduction Brian? And what does wisdom have to do with marriage?

Alas, For in much wisdom is much vexation, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow. Ecc 1:8

Honestly, I began this post in the context of wisdom amidst emerging crises. Then the Lord reiterated what he showed us when we first arrived in East Tennessee. Marriage is the foundation of the church and as well as any community. Marriages have been under attack for years. If the enemy can destroy marriages he can destroy families. Destroy families, and he can destroy communities and, eventually nations. The church has tried to reignite family values for decades. We think we need to start with Godly marriage values.

Some know that Cathy and I function as marriage counselors at our church. We are not licensed so maybe “marriage mentors” is a better term. Some of the couples with whom we work are just a few years older than our grandchildren. Most of what we have to offer is wisdom and understanding gleaned from the length of our days on earth and our electric fence encounters. Part of our understanding is rooted in having failed miserably at marriage before Christ. We know how to fail. Just short of twenty years in a very healthy and thriving marriage in Christ, affords us some wisdom and understanding regarding how to succeed. Please don’t misunderstand. We are not super Christians who have achieved some illusory spiritual level to which so many seem to aspire. Our marriage is rock solid because we follow some very basic and foundational biblical principles. Couples who are willing to do the same experience the same benefits. Most of the time, we feel like we are just along for the ride and are blessed just to see God’s miraculous response to obedience. It doesn’t matter how grievous the offense committed by one or both spouses. God heals, reconciles, and transforms marriages according to a couple’s obedience. Unfortunately, not everyone is willing to obey God. This eventually results in divorce. It takes three to create a marriage, Mat 19:5-6 two to destroy one, and three to heal one. Unfortunately, when one or both parties refuse to accept personal responsibility and continue to blame the other, the situation only gets worse. Sometimes they blame the marriage counselors for failing to fix it. Let me be clear. We don’t fix anything.

God alone is the fixer.

Another potential misunderstanding is that if the marriage begins to heal, everything is healed by extension. There may be individual issues like trauma, chemical and porn addiction, etc., that need to be addressed first.

That being said, here are seven nonnegotiable must-dos for a healthy, happy, thriving marriage.

  • 1. Your marriage is ultimately not about you. Deny self. Mat 16:24 This is the first requirement if we are to be Jesus’s disciples. This is also required to be a spouse. Both must deny themselves. If only one spouse obeys this command, it results in some form of abuse. “Deny yourself” in marriage means your spouse is your priority after God. Many people have other priorities like careers, hobbies, ministry, and even children. Some simply endure marriage in a sort of white-knuckle obedience to God. When marriage is the priority for both spouses it is a joy.  Everything pleasing to God, from parenting to ministry, flows from it.
  • 2. The proper alignment in marriage is God, Husband, Wife, Children, Job, and Ministry. Sometimes, a job and Ministry are the same. If the alignment is off, the marriage will be off and everything else will follow.
  • 3. Your marriage is about Christ and His Church. Eph 5:22-33 Wives submit to their husbands. Husbands give themselves up for their wives. Viewed from the outside, it can be likened to a waltz so artfully performed that it is impossible to know who is leading who. What God imparts in the process of growing together as one flesh is a mystery that must be experienced, not taught. Only then will understanding come. Hence, wisdom is with age and understanding in the length of days.
  • 4. The woman is the weaker vessel. 1 Pet 3:7 Weaker does not mean inferior. Think of the husband as a cast iron frying pan and the wife as fine China. Hence, Paul instructs husbands to honor their wives as the weaker vessels. As I tell all the husbands, “As a husband, you take the hits.” The principle applies if a prowler comes through the door trying to attack your wife. Or your wife angrily confronts you about problems in your marriage. In either case, if saving your skin, your pride, and self-esteem or just the need to be right is your first priority, you will eventually forfeit your marriage. Giving yourself up includes but is not limited to trading your significance, pride, self-esteem, and your right to be right for your wife. If you lead this way, a Godly wife will gladly submit and the Waltz will ensue. Given that wives must choose to submit, it begs the question of who submits the most.
  • 5. The temptation to be offended will come. See that you are not offended. Luke 17 Offence is skándalon a trap. We can only be offended if we have first given ourselves permission to be offended. Remove all permission to be offended.
  • 6. Forgiveness is never an option. It is a command. Forgive or you won’t be forgiven by God. Mat 6:15 Do it before the sun goes down, Eph 4:26-27 or you may awaken offended. Unresolved offenses will always grow and eventually end in divorce. Unless, of course, you white knuckle it.
I’M FINE…

If both parties agree that these principles are nonnegotiable, then success is virtually guaranteed. If both agree to work toward them, there is hope.

All others will encounter the electric fence. Prov 1:20-33

Maranatha

Brian and Cathy Gray Commentary, Tennessee

Husbands Love Your Wives

Cathy and I have functioned as pastoral counselors in one form or another for almost twenty years. Today we serve Recovering Hearts and married couples at the Rock Church.

There is a divine order or alignment in marriage and families. When that order is out of alignment, marriages have problems.

We frequently hear people say “Marriage is hard”. That may be true. But we are here to say that it doesn’t have to be that way. 

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:22-33

The Bible exhorts Husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Historically, the church has mainly emphasized the submission of wives. There are a multitude of factors that helped distort God’s blueprint for marriage. Suffice it to say that today the words “submit” and “gave up” connote a power struggle instead of God’s intended catalyst for oneness with Him in and through each other. Cathy and I often liken a biblical marriage to a triangle where the closer the husband and wife grow to God the closer they grow to together, and vice versa.

The first order of business in following Jesus is to “deny self” Mat 16:24. We give everything to Jesus and get far more in return. The same principle applies in marriage. So many struggle in their faith because their worldview is framed by “My will be done in Jesus’ name.” Instead of “Thy will be done.” period. Similarly, the root of many if not most problems in marriage is that one or both parties are to some degree, living out of their own expectations rather than surrendering to God’s expectations. Marriage is really hard if one spouse does this. It’s downright miserable when both do it.

While the diagram above assumes the wife as the victim, husbands are victims too. It is worth noting that physical and or emotional neglect is also a form of abuse. One thing is certain, violence left unchecked only grows in severity.  If one or more spouses are engaging in any of the above then the marriage is plagued by domestic violence.

Seek help!

That said, as a husband, you are your wife’s covering. If a gunman crashes through your front door he’s going to have to go through you to get to your wife. That’s a hyperbolic illustration of the true meaning of the husband is the head of the wife. Eph 5:23  A husband’s authority is proportional to his willingness to give himself up. A wife’s obedience to God by submitting to her husband must first be modeled by her husband’s submission to God. In the context of our biblical marriage counseling sessions, the husband confronts his own issues first. “But what if the husband is doing everything right?” you ask.  It doesn’t matter.

Jesus did everything right too.

That’s not a proverbial “get out of jail free card” for the wife. Rather we have seen God work miracles in marriages and children the very moment that both spouses submit to God and step into the alignment He established before the foundations of the world. We don’t begin with the husband’s junk simply because the wife is the weaker vessel. 1 Peter 3:7-10 We begin this way because while the husband can align with God regardless of what His wife does. The same can not be as easily said of the wife who remains uncovered by her husband.

Once again, when a man and woman are joined together in Holy Matrimony it is representative of Christ’s marriage to His bride the church. The wife submits to her husband and the husband gives himself up for his bride. The husband stands in direct submission to God. The wife submits to and through her husband. Eph 5:22-33 This is not a power differential that results in a position of inferiority for the wife. Rather it is one of tremendous honor and a model for the divine alignment established by God. Gen 2:18-25 1 Cor 11:1-3  How wonderful and valuable is the bride for whom the groom would so gladly lay down his life? Unfortunately, many spouses compete with each other. Healthy submission in biblical marriage can be likened to a waltz or couples figure skating and should leave the observer wondering who is submitting to whom. Toes are inevitably stepped on as we learn the marriage dance. The dance only improves over time provided we refuse to be offended and walk in perpetual and unconditional forgiveness.

Once again submission begins with denying self.

Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. Mat 16:24

Deny is aparnéomai – to utterly, disown, abstain, to affirm that one has no acquaintance or connection with someone, to forget one‘s self, and lose sight of one‘s self and one‘s own interests.

That’s counterintuitive in contemporary culture where people compete to have their needs met and to be seen and heard. If this is the primary driver in your life then,

Don’t get married.

Give yourself time to grow up.

Again there is a long history that has resulted in the perversion of the word “submission”. Unfortunately, much of the church, especially the church in the South has deep roots of religious abuse justified by a lopsided interpretation of scriptures like Eph 5:22, Col 3:18, 1 Pet 3:1, etc. Wives submit to their husbands! We can sprinkle Jesus on our skewed interpretations of scripture and resulting abuse all we like. At the end of the day, abuse by any other name is still abuse and an abomination to God. Some of the stories of religious abuse we’ve heard are horrifying.  It’s no wonder that so many married couples in the body of Christ are struggling. Hence it is the responsibility of men in the church to actively bring healing, correction, and a restored covering to Satan’s primary targets, namely the institution of marriage and His bride the church. As men, we begin by applying these principles to ourselves. Do not be fearful.

Do not procrastinate.

He who finds a wife finds a good thing
and obtains favor from the Lord. Prov 18:22

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. Psalm 127: 3-5

To whom much is given, much is required. Luke 12:41-48

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Cor 13:4-7

Anyone paying attention to events taking place in ministries like IHOPKC and FAI to name just a few should see that we are in a time to pluck up, a time to tear down. Ecc 3:2-3 It is a season of judgment.

For the time is come that judgment must begin at the house of God: and if it first begin at us, what shall the end be of them that obey not the gospel of God? 1 Pet 4:17

Don’t wait for God’s judgment that brings public exposure and humiliation for the abuse of the sin you thought no one else knew about. Don’t wait to heal and correct that which you have put off in the hope that it would miraculously disappear. All wounds heal or they fester.

For if we would judge ourselves, we should not be judged. 1 Cor 11:31

May we all embrace. Psalm 139:23-24

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!

MARANATHA