Brian and Cathy Gray Bible study, Commentary, Tennessee

Blink

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

Romans 12:9-13

The older I get the faster time goes. Yesterday I was a very broken 16 year old. I blinked and I’m pushing 60. The older I get the more I appreciate the depth and purpose of the lessons God teaches me through experience.

Paul is describing the character and qualities of a genuine Christian in Romans 12:9-13. I don’t think the qualities he names can be defined, let alone understood through academic study alone. Rather they must be learned in the context of being transformed and conformed to the image of God’s Son via experiences that God uses to teach us. Given that marriage is the paradigm by which we can best comprehend the relationship between Christ and His church, it’s no coincidence that the qualities Paul names in Romans are also key to a successful marriage. The only valid competition between believers and spouses is in honoring the other. Otherwise, the wife submits to her husband. The husband gives himself up for his wife. Eph 5:22-27 Each submits to the other, thereby growing closer to the other and, by extension, to God.

Blink

Cathy and I met on Kauai twenty-one years ago. February 5th marks twenty truly wonderful years of marriage.

Words cannot describe the genuineness of my love for Cathy. I would go so far as to say that she has taught me what genuine love is. If you told me twenty-two years ago that I was going to marry the most beautiful woman I could ever imagine I would have told you are full of something other than hope.

Blink

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 

2 Corinthians 12:9

As I like to say, God pruned me down to a stump and fittingly gave me a job planting trees.  I was living in my van and emerging from my own brokenness while starting a men’s recovery ministry when I met Cathy in our church. A decade before, the Lord gave her a heart for the incarcerated and a vision for prison ministry. One day, she asked a mutual friend who provided bibles for the local jail how she could get into the jail to minister to the female inmates. He pointed across the room and said,

“Go talk to that guy.”

“That guy” was me.

Cathy and I began going to the jail as ministry partners the following week. Neither one of us was looking for a relationship at the time. Her serial adulterer ex-husband had tried to kill her by choking her at 3am two years before. My serial adultress ex-wife had left me three years earlier. She later died of an opiate overdose. In any case, we quickly became the best of friends. Cathy said I talked better than any of her girlfriends.

Cathy was tougher than any man I knew.

The first recreational activity we did together was a 16-mile round-trip hike to Hanakoa Valley and back on the Kalalau Trail. For the sake of context, the Sierra Club has assigned the Kalalau Trail a difficulty rating of 9 out of 10. Cathy was ten days into a fast when we did it. I remember thinking to myself, “Now this is a woman I can hang out with!”  I’d recently Kayaked the Napali Coast on a group tour with a woman partner who refused to paddle. I paddled her dead weight the entire 17 miles. Unbeknownst to me at the time, my friend was trying to set me up with her. Suffice it to say, I was as disgusted as I was exhausted by the end of the trip. The last thing I needed in my life was some high-maintenance, wannabe princess who thought weakness made her attractive. 

Cathy I were married  nine months later.

But, as it is written,“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him“

1 Corinthians 2:9

Blink

As I look back over the last twenty years, it is abundantly clear that I have learned the most about Romans 12:9-13 within the context of our marriage. We have faced some hard situations through the years. We have remained unified as one flesh through it all.

We both knew we were called to missions before we were married. That mission began with a coed faith-based transition home for furloughed inmates. We lived with 5-10 inmates and sometimes their children for twelve years.

Then God released us to the foreign mission field. We were standing on opposite sides of our bed when we looked at each other and said,

It’s time.

Do not be slothful in zeal took on a whole new meaning!

We were preparing to head to Honduras when the Lord spoke to Cathy. “We are getting ahead of God.” She said. Long story short, I listened and God pointed us to Harvest School. He eventually led us to Honduras. But He had work to do in both of us first.

Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil.

1 Thessalonians 5:19-22

I am one to test everything, especially prophetic words. One prophecy in two parts, has been proven valid over time. It was given by a fellow student during our Harvest School in Mozambique. The first part was that our walk together would be like rock hopping across a river. We would hop from one rock to another and wait for the next one to appear. Some of that waiting would be longer than we expected. Check! The second part was a vision of the two of us scaling a cliff.

Each would take turns leading while the other would be on belay. Check! God always leads us together. Sometimes I get the vision first. Sometimes Cathy gets it. We have learned to trust that the other hears clearly. We don’t move until God confirms His word in both of us. It has been amidst the climb more than the river crossing that we have grown in our understanding of

Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Blink

Nualolo Vista then and now

Nualolo
A fluttering blaze, a strong place, a ladder, or a bridge.

Hawaiian Dictionary

The Nualolo trail is another one of our favorite hikes on Kauai. It’s just short of an eight-mile round trip, mostly through a rainforest. The first leg is marked by a 2500 ft drop in elevation over the course of 4 miles. To say the trail is muddy and slippery is an understatement. Twenty years ago, I ran it. It’s been nearly 15 years since Cathy and I last hiked it together. We thought nothing of hiking it again on this trip.

Boy were we surprised. We were as tired and sore when we arrived at the Vista as we used to be at the end of the hike.

There’s an inside joke to this photo

We still had nearly 4 miles to go. Most of that was straight up. We spurred one another on Rejoicing in hope. “Let’s imagine we are on the Appalachian trail with five hundred miles to go instead of three,” Cathy said.

I was in pain. Cathy was in pain. She was so tired that she could barely manage a slow shuffle at the end. We wondered if we were fighting off a cold or a virus of some sort. At one point I thought I might have to carry her. Still, we were patient in tribulation, and constant in prayer. “Thank you Jesus for strenghting us!” “Thank you for the pain. May we identify with your suffering as you carried the cross for our salvation” It was nearing dark and I was tempted to fear. After all, people, die in the mountains of Kauai. But she pushed through it. We pushed through it. “Good job honey! I am proud of you.” I said as we finally approached the car.

“I think I need to go to the hospital.” She said.

She didn’t. Still, it occurred to me that this might have been our last hike on the Nualolo trail. There are a lot of lasts along the way – lots of transitions in this vapourous life on earth. We deny it when we are young. Alas, understanding comes with the length of days. Job 12:12 The truth is that we never know where or when those lasts will be. On the other hand there have been many times when we thought a chapter was closed, only to have God say,

“HA! Not so fast.

While I suspect that God has more to reveal, Nualolo was a ladder or a bridge – a leaving behind what is past and stepping into a new chapter with the Lord. It was a strong place in that we were forced to abandon our previous reliance on our youthful agility, toughness, and strength and instead prayerfully depend on the Lord for every step. It was a newfound depth of His strength, a fluttering blaze instead of a roaring fire, rooted in patience instead of explosive power. It was painful and confusing in real time.

It is now beautiful in retrospect.

Life is often like that.

Now that we are back in Greeneville we are prepping to do yet another thing we thought we were done doing. We are opening a transitional home on Mary’s farm previously known as The Glory Farm. This time, Cathy was in the lead, and I was on belay. Three years ago she said, “I feel like we are going to be on a farm. Someone is going to ask us to live on the land as caretakers.” “I don’t see it, but ok,” I said. Shortly after that, we met Mary. She saw Cathy and I doing something with the Recovering Hearts women on her farm. “I don’t see it, but ok,” I said. The Lord had some things to teach Mary and others. Two years later, Bradley, our CEO at Holston, called me into his office and told me that Holston had been given charge of the farm. He said he asked the Lord and saw Cathy and me running whatever it was to become. “It’s funny you should say that,” I replied. “I’ve heard this before. “I don’t see it but we will be obedient to the Lord.” “Just pray about it.” He said. I did. The Lord spoke to my heart a few months later.

“Honey I think we might have to open a house for the Recovering Hearts women,” I said.

There is lots of work to be done. But April 1st is the target opening date for a transitional home called

“The Garden”

We will be moved out of our current home on March 1st, which is the exact day we moved in three years ago.

3/1/2022

The story of the Garden is already bracketed by more testimonies than I can fit here. Suffice it to say that Cathy and I will embark on another chapter in our marriage and journey with the Lord. While other believers will inevitably seek to honor us, and we hope that we will model what we have learned thus far, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has us on this particular path because it is the best way to grow our understanding and obedience to His call to

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly (and spousal) affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal; be fervent in spirit, and serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

Some Biblical doctrines and principles must be studied. Others can only be learned through experience and practice. Some can be modeled. We hope that we can model Romans 12:9-13 for the women at Recovering Hearts. As for The Garden itself, this is our vision thus far. Stay tuned.

Maranatha

Brian and Cathy Gray Commentary, Tennessee

Husbands Love Your Wives

Cathy and I have functioned as pastoral counselors in one form or another for almost twenty years. Today we serve Recovering Hearts and married couples at the Rock Church.

There is a divine order or alignment in marriage and families. When that order is out of alignment, marriages have problems.

We frequently hear people say “Marriage is hard”. That may be true. But we are here to say that it doesn’t have to be that way. 

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Ephesians 5:22-33

The Bible exhorts Husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Historically, the church has mainly emphasized the submission of wives. There are a multitude of factors that helped distort God’s blueprint for marriage. Suffice it to say that today the words “submit” and “gave up” connote a power struggle instead of God’s intended catalyst for oneness with Him in and through each other. Cathy and I often liken a biblical marriage to a triangle where the closer the husband and wife grow to God the closer they grow to together, and vice versa.

The first order of business in following Jesus is to “deny self” Mat 16:24. We give everything to Jesus and get far more in return. The same principle applies in marriage. So many struggle in their faith because their worldview is framed by “My will be done in Jesus’ name.” Instead of “Thy will be done.” period. Similarly, the root of many if not most problems in marriage is that one or both parties are to some degree, living out of their own expectations rather than surrendering to God’s expectations. Marriage is really hard if one spouse does this. It’s downright miserable when both do it.

While the diagram above assumes the wife as the victim, husbands are victims too. It is worth noting that physical and or emotional neglect is also a form of abuse. One thing is certain, violence left unchecked only grows in severity.  If one or more spouses are engaging in any of the above then the marriage is plagued by domestic violence.

Seek help!

That said, as a husband, you are your wife’s covering. If a gunman crashes through your front door he’s going to have to go through you to get to your wife. That’s a hyperbolic illustration of the true meaning of the husband is the head of the wife. Eph 5:23  A husband’s authority is proportional to his willingness to give himself up. A wife’s obedience to God by submitting to her husband must first be modeled by her husband’s submission to God. In the context of our biblical marriage counseling sessions, the husband confronts his own issues first. “But what if the husband is doing everything right?” you ask.  It doesn’t matter.

Jesus did everything right too.

That’s not a proverbial “get out of jail free card” for the wife. Rather we have seen God work miracles in marriages and children the very moment that both spouses submit to God and step into the alignment He established before the foundations of the world. We don’t begin with the husband’s junk simply because the wife is the weaker vessel. 1 Peter 3:7-10 We begin this way because while the husband can align with God regardless of what His wife does. The same can not be as easily said of the wife who remains uncovered by her husband.

Once again, when a man and woman are joined together in Holy Matrimony it is representative of Christ’s marriage to His bride the church. The wife submits to her husband and the husband gives himself up for his bride. The husband stands in direct submission to God. The wife submits to and through her husband. Eph 5:22-33 This is not a power differential that results in a position of inferiority for the wife. Rather it is one of tremendous honor and a model for the divine alignment established by God. Gen 2:18-25 1 Cor 11:1-3  How wonderful and valuable is the bride for whom the groom would so gladly lay down his life? Unfortunately, many spouses compete with each other. Healthy submission in biblical marriage can be likened to a waltz or couples figure skating and should leave the observer wondering who is submitting to whom. Toes are inevitably stepped on as we learn the marriage dance. The dance only improves over time provided we refuse to be offended and walk in perpetual and unconditional forgiveness.

Once again submission begins with denying self.

Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. Mat 16:24

Deny is aparnéomai – to utterly, disown, abstain, to affirm that one has no acquaintance or connection with someone, to forget one‘s self, and lose sight of one‘s self and one‘s own interests.

That’s counterintuitive in contemporary culture where people compete to have their needs met and to be seen and heard. If this is the primary driver in your life then,

Don’t get married.

Give yourself time to grow up.

Again there is a long history that has resulted in the perversion of the word “submission”. Unfortunately, much of the church, especially the church in the South has deep roots of religious abuse justified by a lopsided interpretation of scriptures like Eph 5:22, Col 3:18, 1 Pet 3:1, etc. Wives submit to their husbands! We can sprinkle Jesus on our skewed interpretations of scripture and resulting abuse all we like. At the end of the day, abuse by any other name is still abuse and an abomination to God. Some of the stories of religious abuse we’ve heard are horrifying.  It’s no wonder that so many married couples in the body of Christ are struggling. Hence it is the responsibility of men in the church to actively bring healing, correction, and a restored covering to Satan’s primary targets, namely the institution of marriage and His bride the church. As men, we begin by applying these principles to ourselves. Do not be fearful.

Do not procrastinate.

He who finds a wife finds a good thing
and obtains favor from the Lord. Prov 18:22

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. Psalm 127: 3-5

To whom much is given, much is required. Luke 12:41-48

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Cor 13:4-7

Anyone paying attention to events taking place in ministries like IHOPKC and FAI to name just a few should see that we are in a time to pluck up, a time to tear down. Ecc 3:2-3 It is a season of judgment.

For the time is come that judgment must begin at the house of God: and if it first begin at us, what shall the end be of them that obey not the gospel of God? 1 Pet 4:17

Don’t wait for God’s judgment that brings public exposure and humiliation for the abuse of the sin you thought no one else knew about. Don’t wait to heal and correct that which you have put off in the hope that it would miraculously disappear. All wounds heal or they fester.

For if we would judge ourselves, we should not be judged. 1 Cor 11:31

May we all embrace. Psalm 139:23-24

Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!

MARANATHA

Brian and Cathy Gray Bible study

Submission

Remove All Permission

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 1 Peter 3:1-2

In this context be subject is hypotássō – A Greek military term meaning “to arrange troop divisions in a military fashion under the command of a leader”. In non-military use, it was “a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden”.

Peter continues his emphasis and exhortation on submission from chapter two where we are told to submit to authority and “honor” the king even if the King is Nero. If that wasn’t unfair enough slaves were given a similar instruction to submit to their masters, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust. That might seem confusing in a world that teaches us to fight for our rights and subdue evil. However, the purpose of submission is not to champion evil but to defeat it. For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people. Vs. 15 For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. Vs. 18

As we previously learned in the book of Ephesians, the first and most profound meaning of marriage between a man and a woman is God’s mysterious representation of Jesus’ relationship with His bride, the church. Eph 5:32  It follows that a healthy marriage is rooted in the same principles required for a relationship with Jesus. The first and most foundational practice is found in Mat 16:24-25.

Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his lifewill lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Deny is aparnéomai – to utterly, disown, abstain, to affirm that one has no acquaintance or connection with someone, to forget one‘s self, and lose sight of one‘s self and one‘s own interests.

“Deny self” is a no-brainer if The Song of Songs is your template and script for marriage. In my case, I was and still am mesmerized by The Most Wonderful –  Most Incredible Woman on the planet apart from whom I have zero desire to live. 

“Deny self” sounds scary if we remain self-centered. This is especially true within the context of everything contemporary culture teaches. The world tells us to “find yourself!”, “follow your dreams!”, “fight for your rights!” Jesus says,  

“Lose them all!”

It is in losing that we gain

When a man and woman are joined together in Holy Matrimony it is representative of Christ’s marriage to His bride the church. The wife submits to her husband and the husband gives himself up for his bride. The husband stands in direct submission to God. The wife submits to and through her husband. Eph 5:22-33 This is not a position of inferiority for the wife. Rather it is one of tremendous honor and a model for the divine alignment established by God. Gen 2:18-25 1 Cor 11:1-3 

How wonderful and valuable is the bride for whom the groom would so gladly give his life?

So far we have been speaking of healthy marriages. But 1 Peter 3 begins with submission in an unhealthy one.

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word…

While people often generalize, minimize, rationalize, and justify their behavior, abuse in some form results when one party refuses to submit according to the word of God. Mind you, abuse is a continuum. It ranges from neglect to homicide. Once again Peter exhorts us to apply submission as a spiritual weapon.

that they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

When one spouse fails to submit to God, it produces resentment and unforgiveness in the other. Wherever there is unforgiveness a Positive Feedback Loop is formed. Things get progressively worse until one or both parties go their own way or they kill each other. The conflict we see played out in marriages is the same conflict we see in God’s family.

I’m right! We are right!

Anyone who disagrees is wrong and by extension, evil.

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Mat 6:14-15

You are not forgiven unless you forgive!

Peter’s illustration of submission as a spiritual weapon that began in 1 Peter 2:13-25 continues in Chapter 3. The only difference is that most of us have never been slaves or faced persecution like believers did under Nero. But marriage is relevant to almost everyone. Peter’s exhortation for women to submit is the antithesis of everything Westerners have been taught for at least fifty years. The idea of submission especially by those labeled as oppressed by society at large is a stumbling block for unbelievers.

But Jesus is calling us higher by asking us to go lower still.

Pray for the peace of Jerusalem:

May they prosper who love you. Psalms 122:6

Recently Cathy and I were discussing the exhortation to pray for the peace of Jerusalem. “Why Jerusalem?” We asked.

“Why not all of Israel?”

Jerusalem is from Jeru –possession and Salem – peace. Hence Jerulselum means possession of peace. Salem is thought to be Jerusalem in Psalm 76:2. Melchizedek was the King of Salem. Heb 7 Long story short, Jerusalem was on the map and governed by Melchizedek more than two thousand years before Jesus was born. Abraham offered Isaac as a sacrifice on Mount Moriah known as the Temple Mount and the site of the Al-Aqsa Mosque today. Control of this sacred site has changed hands between Jews, Romans, Muslims, and Christians since 831 BC when King Solomon built his Temple. As we discussed in Why Israel? God’s ultimate desire is that none would perish. 1 Pet 3:9. What that means in practice includes the reconciliation of Abraham’s family through the descendants of Issac and Ishmael. Isaiah 19.

At this moment the descendants of Isaac and Ishmael continue to fight. Jerusalem and especially Mount Moriah represent the question of who is the child of the promise versus the child of the flesh. Paul puts this argument to rest in Romans 3. Of course, Christians are the only ones who validate the words of Paul.

The question is not if we should fight back but how we should fight?

Hence we are called to submit to suffering with Jesus. Rom 8:17. Suffering requires endurance. 2 Tim 2:12 But that suffering must be for doing good. 1 Peter 2:20 We are called to reign with Jesus by suffering for righteousness sake. 1 Pet 3:18-22

When I look at so much of the church today I see an extension of our society at large. They want blessings for the sake of their own comfort. 2 Tim 3:1-7 This is further evidenced by the fear and resentment that are sparked by statements like this. At the end of the day, I see an ingenious strategy of the devil at work. It is the same root of the conflict theory of Karl Marx where the oppressed are exhorted to fight their oppressors. Those who identify as oppressed must fight. Given that marriage between a man and a woman is the foundation of society, it makes sense that the enemy would attack it first. Husbands invariably lose any time wives fight them. I know what some are thinking. “What if he beats her up?” The husband only loses more if he refuses to give himself up and wins a fight with his wife. Hence Peter and Paul address submission as our method for victory. So many things would fall into place if we would grasp the eternal significance of our marriages and our roles as husbands and wives. Eph 5:22-33, Eph 3:10

How do we begin?

The first step is to be brutally honest with ourselves. Examine the myriad ways that we argue and fight, rationalize, and justify rebellion in our hearts. Then remove all permission that we have given ourselves to do so. That’s a hard call for those of us who have been raised in a nation birthed out of rebellion framed as righteousness.

Chew on that.

May we all embrace. Psalm 119:23-24

MARANATHA