Reintegration-
A Call to Action
I previously wrote about the journey from fragmentation to integration. The next step in the process requires community involvement.
Assuming they haven’t simply been checking proverbial boxes, those who have completed long-term recovery programs have taken bold steps in the process of 2 Corinthians 5:17 rebirth and Romans 12:1-2 transformation, and Psalm 139:23-24 repentance and integration.
Still, they have been operating under an external locus of control. Simply put, they have been living in a state of almost total dependence. All their physical needs have been provided. Their daily schedules have been determined and free time has been strictly regulated. Behavioral expectations are clear and bolstered by immediate consequences when rules and standards are violated.
Why then do so many fail in the long term?
One reason is they have NOT developed an internal locus of control – the clinical term for HEALTHY, functional independence.
Like learning to ride a bike, they may have a good intellectual understanding of what it takes to become independent.
What they lack is hands-on experience.
Hence, we say The Garden Transition Home
“Is real life with training wheels.”
We mentor and guard our ladies like Roses. (pun intended).
Herein lies the danger.
People in programs have been absent from the people, places, and things from their former lives for a year or more. Most have no idea of the pressures they are about to encounter. Add to that the discomfort of feeling and often being inept at forging new connections and relationships, and the newly integrated puzzle pieces are at risk of being yanked out of place.
Groups like Celebrate Recovery are valuable and important. Still, former addicts with a support group exclusively comprised of former addicts can produce a skewed worldview. This is especially true because people with an addiction tend to suffer from a co-occurring condition known as TU.
“Terminal Uniqueness”
“I’m so different that it’s killing me.”
It follows that those in early recovery are prone to forming trauma bonds, especially with the opposite sex,
“Because he or she understands me.”
As the saying goes, “Two sickies don’t make a wellie.”
The occasional success doesn’t change the fact that they’re playing Russian roulette with their futures.
Still, to love and be loved is a valid need. The overarching issue is that we need to develop healthy friendships as independent adults before we can hope to function in more intimate interdependent relationships like a Godly marriage.
That’s a long-winded way of saying that when you see a recovering addict in your church community graduate from a recovery program, don’t be duped into thinking that everything is fine and finished. Graduation amounts to coming out of the starting gate in a race, not the finish line. They need to build a foundation rooted in community-based relationships.
Please don’t make the mistake of believing that those who run transition homes have it all covered. We are the safety net, a small albeit necessary part in the equation, the ones who aim to catch them before the training wheels fail.
We also represent authority.
Anyone who has raised a teenager will understand that authority
and intimacy are like oil and water for someone transitioning from dependence to independence.
A positive peer group is crucial.
Listen, you don’t have to found a ministry, a program, or open a transition home. You don’t have to have been an addict yourself, let alone a counselor or pastor versed in Christianese calling heaven down. You just need to be genuine.
Listen.
Identify, don’t compare.
Don’t make them your project, or God forbid,
“your ministry.”
Your authority may be in Jesus, but it is rooted in your weaknesses, your brokenness, and prior failures. Your rap sheet, real or proverbial, is your Romans 8:28 resume.
Have the courage to be transparent and authentic, a genuine human being and a friend. Invite them to do something you enjoy. Go for a coffee or a hike. Share a passion, a skill, a craft, or a hobby. Maybe grow some vegetables, bake a pie, or go to a thrift store. Show them you are human and help them realize they are human too.
Their blessing is in their brokenness.
Show them yours, and maybe they will see theirs.
It takes a village for them to believe it.
